Thursday, December 29, 2011

Perfection


The above image of Cory Everson is how up until the past few years I've always judged my body in comparison. I used to swear I'd kill myself if I ever weighted over 130 lbs. Well, I guess it's time for me to pull out my gun and start shooting. 

I've always had body image issues, so it's hard to let myself believe I've let myself get into the shape of lack of that I am in now. Much like Courtney in my Ring Dreams series, I used to hold myself to an extreme level of what I thought to be fit. I made fun of fat people and belittled people's unhealthy food choices when out shopping. I hated their lack of willpower and laziness. 

How did I become on of the people? Life, I guess. First there was an abusive relationship that shattered my self esteem. I wasn't going to wrestling to see the boys anymore so I had no reason to worry about fitting into the sexy little form fitting outfits I used to wear. Stan wasn't around to ride me about my body fat percentage. My first love wasn't there to remind me he didn't do fat chicks. I didn't have any of the boys telling me how hot I looked to keep me busting my ass in the gym. It got to where I didn't want to be looked at. I didn't want to be sexually objectified. 

When the pounds started piling on, I didn't have anyone to call me out on it. The guy I was seeing outside the relationship with my psycho ex didn't care if I put on a few pounds. He admitted he thought I had looked intimidating with "all those muscles". I try to fool myself into I'm okay with the way my body is now. It's not working. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm on thyroid medication that I take every morning. I still follow a supplement routine to keep myself dosed up with Vitamin D3, all the Bs, Calcium, and a raw multi-vitamin every day. 

My excuses? I can't go to the gym when I get off work because I have to go home to walk my dog. I can't go to the gym before work because I already get up at six am to walk Harry and get myself to work an hour early to avoid rush hour traffic and sneak in some extra writing time. I write on my lunch break, I write on my bathroom breaks. I keep my MacBook sitting on my work desk ready to sneak in as many words as possible. 

I've gotten slack about feeding myself a healthy breakfast. I don't eat at lunch because I am writing. Then I get home and after I walk Harry I plop down on the couch and eat away all my frustrations. I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy. When I'm sad. When I'm mad. When I'm bored. When I'm hurting. I eat for every occasion. When I was really really fit instead of eating I fucked wrestlers to meet that emotional need. Now I just eat and eat and eat.

It's not like I don't know what I need to do. I am a certified personal trainer and aerobics instructor. I've worked in the fitness industry. I've competed in the fitness industry. I've lived for weeks on egg whites, tuna and protein shakes and gotten on stage in a bikini to prove I was fit. I know my way around a fucking gym!

My problem is I just can't seem to find time to get my ever expanding ass into the gym and put in the time on the weights and with the cardio. Fitness is 75% eating habits. I freaking know that. I know what I should and shouldn't be eating. When I competed I never weighed an ounce over 120 lbs. I'm 5'7" so by today's competition standards I would have been considered under weight. Even then, I would have done better in competitions with five extra lbs of muscle. 

My goal for 2012 is to take some me time and drop at least 30 lbs. I'll never again look like a fitness model. I can accept that. How can I do this? I don't really know.

Most of all I need someone to hold me accountable.

I have to get back into the frame of mind that I look at food as fuel.

I have to find other outlets for emotional release. 

Maybe I can train myself to write instead of to eat. 

I have to find some way to handle my harmful addictions and harness them into something positive.

Fitness is a journey, never a destination.

I didn't put on these 30 of so pounds overnight and I know it's going to be hard to make them go away.

There you have it. I'm putting this out there for the whole world to see. 

I'm holding myself accountable for my own health and well being.

I can do this...

I believe in me!

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